I have come to the conclusion that my kids are deaf…but only when they want to be. They are never deaf when I ask them if they want to sample a delicious chocolate-chip-cookie straight out of the oven. They immediately sprint to the couch when I ask them if they want to watch a movie. They always smile when I ask them not to (a trick I learned from my Dad). On the contrary, when I ask them to pick up their play food that is littering every square foot of our carpet, or to stop throwing bouncy balls at each other, or to stay in the other room for just 10 seconds so that I can put the baby down for a nap in peace and quiet, they completely ignore me. It’s like I’m talking to a couple of short brick walls with eye balls and limbs. What’s the use of trying?
The other day, I was sitting on the couch in the living room nursing our 1-month-old baby, Mason. Bryce, our two-year-old, thought that He would be “funny”. He opened the garage door (which was within my eyesight), and slammed it shut. I, being the patient Mommy that I am, quietly told him to please walk away from the garage door. He apparently didn’t hear me because he proceeded to open and slam the door again. And again. And at least a million more times. And He was smiling the entire time. Can you imagine the nerve of a two-year-old? Actually, you probably can. Most two-year-old’s come from the same mold.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I raised my voice a few thousand decibels in an effort to get through to his non-functioning ear drums. I failed. Miserably. My throat burned for days due to my valiant efforts, and Bryce simply went on smiling. The garage door miraculously survived.
On most days of the week, my husband comes home from work and finds me sitting on the couch nursing the baby (because that’s all that I seem to be doing these days), the house looks nothing short of the aftermath of a tornado, and all I can find the energy to say is “I’m not going to talk anymore. Our kids are deaf.”
Starting next week, I’m going to start brushing up on my sign language.