Do you ever feel like a bad mom? I do. Quite often. In fact, I sometimes think that I’m the worst mom ever. Whenever I voice these genuine feelings to my husband, however, He just laughs it off and tells me that other mom’s are a lot worse than I am and that their kids turn out just fine. What? That doesn’t exactly make me feel better!
I know that kids are resilient and, for the most part, they all eventually turn into functioning human beings. But aside from wanting my kids to turn out “just fine”, I hope that they actually enjoy their childhood and remember it with fondness. Sometimes I feel like I’m so busy simply trying to function and get through the daily routine that I fail to incorporate memorable activities or experiences throughout the day.
I really wish that each child came equipped with instructions. It would make life so much easier! Due to the lack of instructions, I can’t help but feel like a bad mom and that I’m damaging each child for good.
At the moment, I know that I’m ruining Mason. I’ll be blunt, He is a horrible sleeper. He is two and a half months old and I have had to sleep with him every single night (except for a few heavenly hours last week when he miraculously slept in his crib). I try to put him down so many times and he promptly wakes up and screams. It’s just not worth it to me to continuously try and put him down and listen to him cry…so I just keep him in bed with me. It’s not comfortable though. My husband is almost always nearly falling off of the bed. I can’t truly rest because I’m so scared of squishing him. However, although I hate to admit it to myself, I am starting to enjoy sleeping with him. I love how warm he is. I love how adorably chubby and kiss-able he is! He won’t be a baby forever and a part of me just longs to keep him this small forever.
My husband tells me that I need to just let him cry. Deep down, I know that I need to. But I just can’t. I have let him cry for 20 minutes and he just screams the entire time. He doesn’t go to sleep. He wants to be held, and he wants to be sucking on you-know-what. He could care less about a plastic binky. I keep telling myself that when He is a few months older, I will just have to let him cry it out. He seems too young right now though. I know that Mason would sleep better in his own crib, yet I can’t let him cry. So I feel like a bad mom.
During the day, I am constantly holding him (like I am at this very moment). I have to do most everything while holding him. If I put him down, He cries. He does, occasionally, have those moments when He is happy and content, but they are so far and in between. Those moments usually happen in the mornings. And I feel like a bad mom because when I am able to put him down in the mornings, of all the more worthy things that I could be doing, I choose to squeeze in a 20 minute workout. I feel like I must exercise for my sanity…but I feel like a bad mom the entire time because I know that I should be spending time with my other children instead of being selfish and exercising. Right?
I feel like a bad mom because I can’t give all of my kids the the individual attention that they need and deserve, especially because I happen to be holding the baby the majority of the time. We aren’t done having kids either, which makes me feel even more guilty. When I get those rare moments when I can put him down, I rush around like a mad woman. I tell Lizzie and Bryce that I can play outside with them now. I hurry and make them a yummy lunch or special snack. I play Candy Land with them. I cuddle them on the couch.
Or, if I’m a bad mom, I neglect my other children and try to clean the house. Like Sunday. It was General Conference, which is something that I look forward to a lot. The day started out crazy. The kids seemed extra hyper. I wasn’t able to really enjoy conference. I got frustrated. Which led to me looking at my surroundings and going crazy because everything was so messy. After conference was over, I was able to put the baby down and I started cleaning (and I even threw away some of those small dinky toys that are always all over the house and that drive me absolutely crazy). Fortunately for me, my husband caught on to my “mood” and He cleaned the bathrooms really well, among other things. He knows that when my hormones are raging, nothing makes me feel better than to have a clean house. 🙂 Yes, I know that it was Sunday. But you know, for me at least, the ox was definitely in the mire.
Anyway, I need to stop writing. Because, you know, I feel like a bad mom even taking the time to quickly vent my feelings by writing this post.
What about all of you? Do you feel like a bad mom as much as I do? How do you overcome these feelings?