So far on this blog I have shied away from talking about my faith. It wasn’t purposeful, but it wasn’t accidental either. I had a lot of other things to say, and I didn’t want to offend anyone. But my relationship with my Savior is a big part of me as a person and a mother so I’m going to share an experience I had.
A few weeks ago I was doing my daily scripture study when I was reading in Mark 4: 36-40:
36 And when they had sent away the multitude, they took him even as he was in the ship. And there were also with him other little ships.
37 And there arose a great storm of wind, and the waves beat into the ship, so that it was now full.
38 And he was in the hinder part of the ship, asleep on a pillow: and they awake him, and say unto him, Master, carest thou not that we perish?
39 And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, aPeace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great bcalm
40 And he said unto them, Why are ye so afearful? how is it that ye have no bfaith?
It was one of those nights when I was blessed enough to be able to read a scripture and I felt like it was written just for me. This doesn’t happen everyday, so when it does, I pay attention.
I felt like my Savior was asking me, why don’t you have any faith?
There are times when being a mother is simply overwhelming. When I overcome my doubts that I am qualified to raise children to become not just normal, functioning adults, but intelligent, serving, Godlike individuals, I still feel like the storm is raging around me.
When I’m up alone in the middle of the night with my teething baby and I can’t get him to go back to sleep and I’m so tired from these endless nights of no sleep, after endless days of going, going, going….I feel like I’m sinking under water and can’t get up to catch a breath.
I find myself saying, God? I can’t do this. Why do you think I can do this? Carest thou not that I perish?
And no, I really don’t think I’m going to die from lack of sleep. It’s really not that bad. And I won’t be injured physically or mentally from having a long to-do list and boys who disrupt it whenever they get the chance. But sometimes I feel like it’s so hard in that specific moment, that I just need it to be over.
I’m sure there are many reading this blog that have it harder than me. I don’t have any serious problems in my life. All my family is healthy and alive. I have not gone through any serious trials in my life. I am not trying to sound like I am complaining that my life is so hard. I am not trying to sound ungrateful for the blessings that I have.
I am saying that when I am tired, everything is harder and everything seems worse, and I cry like a baby to my Father in Heaven, begging him to make thing easier. I would like to think that everyone does that at some time or another, with any problem whether big or small.
I’d also like to believe that motherhood makes us turn to our Father in Heaven a whole lot more than we would otherwise. Sometimes to complain. Often times in gratitude. Always turning. Always praying.
I know that I can’t get through a day without praying to God to help me first.
I used to pray that my child would nap at this certain time and we’d get to such and such a place safely and everything would go perfectly and just as I saw it in my head.
I had to learn that I could pray for safety and for things that I was hoping for, but I had to submit to God’s will and ask that if anything does go not according to plan, that He would help me adjust and get through whatever the day brought to me. That He would make everything that did happen be okay.
I believe this logic applies to all things, big and small, that may be happening in our lives.
I know that God was hearing me asking Him if He cared that I was having a hard time. I was asking where He was when this storm was threatening my sanity. He was on the boat with me, but He was sleeping, so I thought He didn’t care.
But He does care.
As I flail about life, panicking and wondering what is going to happen, He is standing there all along.
He will issue the command and all that is bothering me will calm and disappear and He will look at me and say, I was here all along. Why were you scared? Why would you think I didn’t care? Where is your faith.
When I read that scripture, my heart swelled within me.
I knew my Heavenly Father was telling me that He was here with me. That He knew some things were hard on me but that He controlled the tempest. When it was time, He would calm the storm, and everything would be all right. The wind and the waves obey Him. He would never give me more than I could handle. He would never let my ship sink.
I need to remember this daily and have the faith that He will help me overcome. He can help me work and grow to become the mother I want to be for my children and the person I want to be for myself. All I need to do is have a little faith. My faith will help me to calm my storms.
(I love this picture, because it’s different from the first. It’s not His disciples in the boat with him, it’s all of us. We are scared, but He will help us. He knows each and every one of us individually and he is calming our storms.)