Kindergarten Blues

I don’t know about any of you Mom’s out there, but sending Lizzie off to Kindergarten feels surprisingly similar to the “Baby Blues” that I experienced after giving birth to each of my children.

As such, I am thereby diagnosing myself with the “Kindergarten Blues”.

After I have a baby, I don’t get full-blown postpartum depression (thankfully).  I simply feel sad for a few weeks.  It was pretty bad right after I had Lizzie, but somewhat better with the boys.  I’m assuming that has something to do with the fact that Lizzie was the first baby and I had no other children at home to distract me from my depression.

Before I had Lizzie, I was a busy pregnant woman.  I had just finished teaching, I had just finished taking my Spanish class at the local college, and I had just finished coaching  cross-country literally within a few days before giving birth.  After Lizzie was born and Jon went back to work (and began attending the TWO colleges that he was attending at the time) I felt so incredibly lonely.  And although I knew that being a mother was the one thing that I had dreamed about for years, my new born baby slept an awful lot and I was bored out of my mind.  And so lonely that it hurt!  I would seriously say to myself “Okay, only 8 more feedings before Jon comes home.  I can do this.”.  Seriously!  I had problems.  And I was a little depressed.  But the older Lizzie got, the better I felt.

After having Bryce, I didn’t feel as sad because I had Lizzie to distract me.  I had to attend to her needs.  People offered to help me out right after I had Bryce, but I refused help.  I wanted to keep myself busy in an effort to avoid feeling sad.  Was that the best thing?  Who knows.

I didn’t feel too sad at all after having Mason.  I wanted him so much that simply having him in my arms kept me happy!  When I felt the twinge of sadness starting to overcome me, I would just pray like crazy to feel “normal” again.  That seemed to do the trick for me.

After having each baby, the thought that caused me the most sadness was the realization that life as I formally knew it was over.

With Lizzie, it was the realization that the time with just Jon and I were over forever.  We no longer had the luxury of spending 2 hours talking over a fancy homemade dinner at our humble abode and then slowly migrating to the floor in the hallway and rolling around nearly dying of laughter for another hour or so.  We weren’t free to go where we pleased, when we pleased.  I had also stopped working and we were half as rich as we were before. 🙂  We could still have parts of our old life, of course, but it would never be exactly the same.

After I had Bryce, my heart longed for the days when it was just Jon, Lizzie and I.    Life was so simple.  So easy.  I could spend every second of the day with her.  There was no one fighting for my attention.  And now I had to split my attention between two kids.  Could I do it?

After having Mason, all I wanted to do was to go on a nice long run while pushing the kids in the bike stroller.  Unfortunately, Mason is too small to go in the bike stroller.  And it is pretty much impossible to go on a walk with three kids, unless one of them rides their bike or walks next to me.

Yes, life changed with each baby.

But it got infinitely better.

The only thing constant in life is change.  Through the years, I have learned that life is all about change and the ability that we have to cope with that change.  That’s all that it boils down to.  Are we able to cope with change?  Are we able to adapt?  Can we happily accept more babies into our family and learn to function?  Yes.  We won’t function exactly as we did before having the new baby, but we will still function nonetheless.  And we can learn to be happy with each change that we are faced with.

Like sending a child off to Kindergarten.

Yes, I am definitely experiencing the “Kindergarten Blues”.  I feel sad.  I feel nostalgic.  I find myself longing for our past life.  The life when I was simply a stay-at-home mom with kids who didn’t have anywhere to go. 🙂  It was such a great and wonderful life!  I loved waking up with the kids and just spending time with them.  There was no schedule.  It was care-free.

It was the best.

Not to say that my life is horrible now.  Because it is still incredibly wonderful.  All of my prayers were answered.  Lizzie got accepted into the school that I wanted her to go to.  A school that I feel completely comfortable sending her to.  I still feel complete peace about the school that we chose for her.

But our life has changed.

At least on school days.

We have to get up and rush to get ready, eat breakfast, pack lunches, brush teeth, put shoes on, and get out the door by 7 a.m.  I have to drive Lizzie to school every day.  We drop her off, come back home (sometimes we stop at a park on the way home to break up the drive a bit), and then we are home until 1:00 when we have to leave again to pick her up.  It isn’t a short commute.  This is simply one of those changes that I need to learn to cope with.  There have been a few days where I have let it get to me.  I have shed some tears.

How will Mason ever get on a nap schedule?  He won’t.

Will we have enough money to pay for the gas?  We will have to sacrifice.

Is this the right thing for us?  Absolutely.

Will life every get back to “normal” again?  The “normal” that I used to know is now in the past.  The passing of time causes kids to grow up.  Life gets slightly more complicated the older the kids get.

Will I ever stop longing for Lizzie during the day?  I really miss having her by my side.  Probably not.  I think that I will always miss her.  It will simply take some time for me to get used to the fact that she is growing up and won’t be next to me all of the time anymore.

Anyway, I’m going to stop blabbering now!

I just feel sad.  And I miss Lou-lou during the day more than I ever thought that I would.  I miss cuddling her on the couch with her sippy-cup full of milk.  I miss playing restaurant with her.

I miss the fact that she plays with Bryce and keeps him busy.  Because since Lizzie has started school, I have had absolutely no free-time! 🙂

I am praying that the “Kindergarten Blues” will disappear quickly and that I will feel “normal” again.

Whatever “normal” is supposed to feel like in this new life of mine.

What about any of you?  Are you experiencing the “Kindergarten Blues” this year?

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