For anyone who doesn’t already know, me and Andrea’s mother passed away on May 1st. I don’t know if Andrea will get on here, but for me, I had to write a few things down about some strange things that have happened in Losing a Mother.
1. “Losing” our mom. I do feel like I lost her a little bit. I am spending my days searching for her spirit to be near and wondering where she is. I am comforted by the miraculous moments when I do know that she is by my side.
2. I started out the whole process asking really stupid questions. When my sister got the call, she came into the room and told me that my mom had passed away. I said, Are you lying? She said, no. I said, Is dad lying? She said, of course not! Tara, no one is lying! I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that nobody is lying to me. That she really is gone.
3. People will ask when it happened and I always say, oh, about 7:48. And I know that answer is funny because you can tell that really, there is no “about” about it. You know the exact second of the day when a loved one passes.
4. My days pass in waves. It happened at night, so we were all in shock mostly that first night. Not much sleep, just thoughts being passed around the room and love sent to heaven as we all huddled into a hotel room. Then the morning came, and I woke up with the startling realization that my mom had died the night before. I couldn’t stop crying. As the day went along, I cried, and then was comforted. And all the talking and seeing people that had shared my love, got me through the day and I went to sleep. Then this morning, I woke up crying again. I wonder when the day will come that I won’t wake up, fresh with the grief that my mama is gone.
5. I am walking around wondering if people are looking at me, knowing that my mom has passed away, and worried that there are people that don’t know. How do I face this?
6. One of the hardest realizations you have to come to is that she is in a better place, even if that place is without you.
7. It’s not uncommon for my brain and heart to be at odds, but usually it’s my brain talking my heart out of irrational emotions. For the past few days my heart is telling my brain that it is peaceful, and comforted, and whole. My brain is trying to convince it that it is, in fact, lonely, and devastated, and broken.
8. The thing that gets me through this is the knowledge of the Plan of Salvation and that my Heavenly Father loved us so much that He sent is Only Begotten Son, here to live, suffer, and die for us. For me. He knows the pain I am feeling. And because of the Atonement, my mom is with Jesus now, serving on the other side, waiting for the day when we will all be together again. When Jesus will come again and we will all be restored to our bodies and my mom won’t have a broken back, or weak lungs, or a broken heart. Where she will be able to dance, and run, and shoot some hoops. That families are FOREVER. That there is a PLAN and I just have to be a part of it.